Random Acts of Stupidity

I had high hopes for a series of uneventful days leading up to Saturday, when my vacation starts. Last week, among other things, my son discovered that germ-X is flamable, and I needed some peace.

Yesterday began like any normal Monday–I was late for work. My daughter had a crisis, which, even at nearly 20 years old, required Mommy. Stuck in traffic, she begged me to guide her around a wreck. Over the phone. Poor thing had to stay put as there was really no better way. Seven minutes later, I’m rushing out the door with wet hair and my phone rings again. She’s on the Interstate, making good time. At least one of us was.

Mondays are hectic at the office. I rarely take a lunch break on busy days but had forgotten something important at home. (I hate to place blame, but it was likely that I’d been focused on my daughter’s situation instead of my “don’t forget to take this with you” list.) Besides, I needed to run some errands. So, I stopped by the Post Office, grabbed my hugemongous wad of “work keys,” and got out of the car. I tossed my car keys into my purse. I do this often. Keys should go in purses when not in use. Well, women’s keys, anyway. The problem was, at the last second, I decided I didn’t want to lug my purse into the Post Office and chunked it into the floorboard, pushed the lock button, and headed inside. Oops! I called my Mommy.

Forty minutes later, I’m back at my desk. (Thanks, Dad!) By late afternoon, my brain had officially turned to mush. I took a break from bookkeeping (my favorite!) and decided to play with my blog for a few minutes. Just the night before, while talking to my dad, I told him after test driving about a dozen themes, I’d finally found the perfect WordPress theme. Simple and professional looking. I loved the double right sidebar. With the widgets lined up side-by-side, hopefully my readers could scroll through all my goodies without dozing off before they reached the bottom. Plus, all my widgets worked–and, big bonus–there was room for my tagline (which is rather lengthy). Yes, it was the perfect theme/plugin combo.

I love WordPress. I work hard on my blog, trying to make it fun, with a clean appearance, and easy for readers to use. Dad’s new to WordPress, but likes it so far. I opened the control panel. Due to all the reported issues with WordPress 2.2, I hadn’t upgraded yet, but I just knew the upgrade held wonders of WordPress my blog had to have. The words “Upgrade Now” enticed me. I clicked the button. And, viola! My entire blog disappeared. Nothing. A blank screen. My blog had been sucked into the black hole of cyberspace. I’d have to wait until evening to send out a search party, though. The pile on my desk beckoned.

I worked late to get everything done. No biggie. Daughter was still at work. Son’s at a mission camp. Hubby works nights. Just me and the dog. (Oh, and forty-bizillion farm animals I had to feed and water.) I’d had a hard day and decided I deserved some ice cream.

The night before, hubby, still exhausted from moving the grandkids the previous day, decided he deserved some ice cream. Licked the dipper and it stuck to his lip. Poor thing. Took a hunk out of him. He said he didn’t realize how cold those dippers got. When I finished dipping my ice cream, I licked the dipper. It stuck to my lip. Took a hunk out of me. Ouch! That’s when I remembered hubby’s warning that ice cream dippers were not to be trifled with.

Needless to say, I found my blog. Well, I found the files. Apparently, certain plugins aren’t compatible with the upgrade, and sometimes they must be uploaded one at a time to see which ones are misbehaving. (Didn’t know that!) But two and a half hours of bonding with my FTP client (Fetch–he’s awesome!), and viola! My blog is back! Woo-hoo!

To the casual observer (and probably my hubby), days like yesterday appear to be a long string of random acts of stupidity. But to writers of Chick/Mom Lits, they’re a research goldmine.

30th Anniversary–The Human Fly

On May 26, 1977, George Willig (a.k.a. “The Human Fly”) scaled the outside of what was then the world’s tallest building, World Trade Center Tower 2. It took him three and a half hours to reach the top.

Yes, he was arrested when he reached the top. And, yes, he paid a fine. In a court-trial-turned-media-stunt, Willig bargained with the New York City mayor and settled on a whopping 1 cent per story fine–totalling $1.10.

Blog Tag…

I feel like the little kid on the playground who is never fast enough to catch anyone and is therefore, perpetually “It.”

You see, I’ve been tagged. Numerous times, actually. And as much as I love to play games, due to deadlines & commitments, I’ve actually had to WORK this week (Ugh!). So, now that I’m getting around to responding to the “blog tag” game, nearly everyone I know in blogdom is finished playing! *sniff*

The first thing we’re supposed to do is post the rules. So, here they are:

1. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged need to write in their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
3. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave your taggees a comment, telling them they’re tagged, AND to read your blog.

Okay…eight random things about me. Shouldn’t be too hard since my life is comprised of randomness. I did notice that the rules stated to list facts or habits, but I don’t have any “habits”–if I did, I’d be organized, obviously, so we’ll stick to just the facts.

And, before we get going here, know that not only do I regret not playing when I first got tagged several days ago, I’m also totally jealous because I don’t have any way cool stuff to list, such as feet so flat that they make suction noises when I walk (Camy), and I’ve never seen Mohammad Ali on an airplane (Cynthia) or anywhere else, for that matter. But, somewhere around age three, I did do a victory stance on the coffee table, waving my hands above my head and shouting, “I’m the Greatest!” Does that count?

1. I’m a writer. So, that’s not totally random. I think everyone who tagged me is a writer. And probably everyone I tag will be a writer. But since I’ve had two articles, four blogs to maintain, and five critiques to do this week, it’s the first thing that popped into my head.
2. I’m a goat herder. You read it right: goat-herder. We raise registered Pygmy goats. We also have ducks, turkeys, geese, chickens, and other miscellaneous critters, but “goat herder” sounds, well…more random, I suppose. Another tidbit if anyone really cares or is actually reading this–most of our goats are named after Disney characters, except for Miss Lizzy. (Sadly, Mr. Darcy died at the age of two days.)
3. I’m really tired today. Not to complain, but I’m super glad it’s Friday. Of course, I still have work piled up on my desk, but Friday just sounds more fun than Monday. And I tend to babble when I’m tired, so this list will most likely reflect that.
4. I’m going to Yellowstone next month on vacation. After back-to-back years of hubby heading out with the boys (on motorcycles), he let me pick where to go this year. And, we’re doing the car/motel thing instead of the motorcycle/tent thing, which is way more fun when you’re as old and out of shape as me!
5. I’m overweight and underorganized. This fun fact is such an integral part of my life that I started a humor column recently with the same name. And why not? I mean, poor Erma is gone and Dave Barry retired, so someone needs to take the baton.
6. I’m probably about half-geek. Maybe I was all geek in earlier life, but today, I can read a little .php or a few lines of html and get all giddy. Because of my inner geek, I love to make web sites. I have way too many of them because to me, it’s more fun than doing the things on my to-do list. Right now I’m into WordPress. Yeah, I launched another web site this month. It’s called Fiction Fundamentals and is a resource for new novelists. (See, I’m multi-tasking here–combining this little tag game with a bit of self-promotion. Oprah would be so proud!)
7. I am “this close” to having both kids in college. Thus begins the “empty nest” stage of my life. Scary. My son graduates from high school next week, and my little girl completed her first year of college last week. Ask me her grades. Yeah, all A’s & a B–in Chem II. (She plans to become a pediatrician & he wants to be an optometrist, so they’ll be in school until it’s time for me to hit the nursing home.)
8. I have two goose eggs in an incubator in my dining room. And they have names, too: Phillipe and Snuggles–christened by my son’s not-a-girlfriend’s best friend and sister. That’s pretty random, huh? (I’m thinking I may be the only one with goose eggs on my list, woo-hoo!)

Okay, so I’ve typed my eight things. Now to find eight hapless souls who need to be tagged…(Note: if you’ve already been tagged, it didn’t show on your five recent ShoutLife blog posts like all my other friends–sorry!)

1. Jenny
2. Jeanne Marie Leach
3. Cyndy Salzmann
4. Nikki Arana
5. Debra Ullrick
6. Bryan Davis
7. T. Suzanne Eller
8. Margo Carmichael

Bowl Me Over

Happy Birthday Today to:

President Andrew Johnson (born in 1808)
President Woodrow Wilson (born in 1856)
The state of Texas (attained statehood in 1845)
and…

The Bowling Ball (invented in 1862)

Actually, archaeologists have discovered evidence of bowling paraphernalia in the tomb of an Ancient Egyptian youth, buried in somewhere around 5200 B.C., so I don’t understand the whole thing about the bowling ball being invented in 1862.

In other bowling ball history that pre-dates its invention, early Americans used wooden balls, mostly constructed from oak. Some digging in Polynesia revealed in that ancient culture, stones were rolled at pins from a distance of 60 feet–the same distance from the foul line to the head pin in today’s modern bowling alleys. So, while some things change, some remain the same.

I poked around the Internet, attempting to discover more information about the bowling ball, but the only thing I found was that it was invented on December 29, 1862. No site I browsed mentioned by whom, where, or what constituted the “invention” of an item that had obviously been in use in some form or fashion for thousands of years. And the source quoted most often by the sites I viewed was “Useless Facts.”

None of that really matters, of course, except that bowling has a connection to my own birth. I was nearly born in a bowling alley, so I was interested in the birth of the bowling ball.

From what I remember, my dad was rolling the series of a lifetime. The first two games were in the mid-to-upper 200s, and his team was preparing to begin game #3 when my mother had a labor pain. Just one. I wasn’t the first child, so she felt she could handle a bit of labor while watching dad’s final game of the night. She’d wanted a little girl born in June, and it was approaching 11 p.m. on the 30th, so she knew I’d better hurry up if her wishes were to come true. Of course, they didn’t have ultrasounds back in those days, so the whole girl/boy thing was yet to be revealed to her, and her doctor was pretty adamant that she would deliver a little boy firecracker. They probably argued about it for months.

So, there we were…waiting. The woman sitting next to my mother, however, was not so content as mom to have me hang out (or rather, in) while dad finished his match. I mean, who wants to risk having to deliver a baby? In a bowling alley? Against mom’s wishes, this woman made her way to the floor and insisted that dad give up potentially the best series of his life and take mom to the hospital. A compromise came about: dad would bowl out game #3 alone, then we would leave.

The guys in charge moved Dad to two lanes, far from the action, and he finished his series. His score? 112. Oh, and I wasn’t born for nearly 4 more hours. Yeah, the great series bombed, and I’ve been blamed for it for the past 45 years. Sorry, Dad!

‘Twas the Day After Christmas

Here’s a little poem, just for fun, written by that world-famous poet, “Unknown.”

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin’ even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Entered into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an over-sized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said “U.S. POSTMAN.”

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox.
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

“Now Dillard’s, now Broadway’s, now Penny’s and Sears
Here’s Robinson’s, Levitz’s and Target’s and Mervyn’s.

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!”

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
“ENJOY WHAT YOU BOUGHT…
YOU’ll BE PAYING ALL YEAR!”

Pics from the Party

The girls returned from their drive in the country. Something about viewing a haunted house, but they decided not to get out of the car.

As promised, here are some pics from the PINK party:

The PINKing of the T-shirts. Our miniature dachshund, Bullet, has been a BIG help throughout the whole party. I think she’s having as much fun as the girls!

The baby duckies have fresh litter, food & water. The goats and dogs have been fed. Now it’s time for the girls to play!

Adding a little pizazz to the PINK shirts. The graduates take a trip in time back to their kindergarten days as they “fingerpaint” the word PINK (in yellow-green paint–go figure!) onto their T-shirts.

Everyone has PINK toenails, too! Yes, even me–but this isn’t my foot!

The girls follow along as I read PINK to them. So far they’re really enjoying the story.

Chatting with Marilynn Griffith while riding to see the haunted house. (What the haunted house has to do with PINK, I have no idea!) Marilynn has done a GREAT job of personalizing this party for Elena & her friends.

All the party-goers are having a blast! (From left: Christy, Samantha, Nikki, Elena, and Melissa “Liz.”)

Thanks, Marilynn, for such a great idea and for writing such a great book!

Four Things

Several of my blogroll buddies have posted "Four Things" lists, so I decided to play, too.

Here are my lists of 4 Things. How about yours?

4 Movies you could watch over and over again

• Robin Hood, Prince of Theives
• Pirates of the Caribbean
• Disney’s Three Musketeers
• Shrek (please don’t throw any pitchforks at me!)

4 places you’ve lived

• Honolulu, Hawaii
• Phoenix, Arizona
• Memphis, Tennessee
• Paris Island, South Carolina (Marine Corps bootcamp–ugh!)

4 TV shows you love to watch

I rarely watch TV, but here goes:

• Medium
• Gilmore Girls (haven’t watched in a few years, but I used to every week)
• Monk
• CSI

4 places you’ve been on vacation

• Cozumel
• San Antonio, Texas
• Washington D C
• The Grand Canyon

4 web sites/blogs you visit regularly

• Camy Tang’s Loft
• Robin Lee Hatcher’s blog (even though I’m not an American Idol fan!)
• James Watkins
• Chip Scanlon’s blog
• There are a lot more–visit my blogroll to check out some of my favorites!

4 of your favorite foods

• Fajitas
• Pizza
• Biscuits & Gravy (hey, I’m from Arkansas!)
• Anything my daughter cooks–especially her quiche!

4 places you’d rather be right now or want to visit

• Tour the Castles of Europe
• My missionary friends in Madagascar & Cape Town, South Africa (*sigh*–one of these days!)
• Italy/Greece (I know, I know–that’s TWO places. But they’re close together. And I suppose Madagascar & Cape Town are two places, too!)
• I’ve been to 31 of the United States. I’d LOVE to see the other 19!

4 books you love

• The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (and anything written by Mark Twain)
• Anything written by Raymond Chandler
• DragonSpell by Donita K. Paul
• The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

4 friends you think will respond/comment to this list

Hopefully EVERYONE will respond, but…

• My daughter
• My dad
• My friend Theresa (are you reading this?)
• Who knows?!

Y’all have fun with this! I’m waiting to see your lists!

Happy Holidays

Here’s a funny take on the whole holiday political correctness craze:

Subject: The Office Party
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table .. you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – the days are so short this time of year – or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So, December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party Vegetarians!?!?!?

I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward Your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

We hope that this change does not offend anyone.

Salamanders, Goldfish, and Frogs–Oh, My!

Things I learned at the 2005 ACFW Conference:

 

10. Deb Raney has never been a man.

9. “Bless Your Heart” is the most versatile phrase in the English language.

8. Twelve brains are NOT better than one. (Any questions—read Brandilyn’s blog!)

7. Camy is an Aikikai. (And she looks like such a sweet girl.)

6. The editor and the author should be friends.

5. Randy Ingermanson has been holding an ACFW member hostage for nearly TWO YEARS!

4. Gender-oriented bathroom issues are still haunting ACFW.

3. Empty your bladder before sitting at Lynn Coleman’s table.

2. Cynthia Rutchi needs to learn the difference between fiction and LYING! (I love you, Cynthia!)

 

And the Number One thing I learned at the 2005 ACFW Conference:

 

It’s ALL good!

 

Thanks to EVERYONE who made this such a great conference. If you weren’t able to go, please get the MP3 set. It’ll be worth it!